A Tour of Academia

Oh hi. Welcome to Academia. Let’s take a quick look around. One of oldest and most famous cities in Academia
is called philosophy. Most of the people there spend their time
writing papers, going to conferences, or ending up as baristas. That was a joke obviously. No one in philosophy gets invited to conferences. Now, if you head east across unemployable
mountain, you eventually get to Physics and Math. Now you probably want to visit these if you’re
interested in numbers, precision, and a lifetime of sexual abstinence. Both have their own neighbourhoods, of course. I’d recommend the quantum district but just
be aware they’ve got a bit of a thing for murdering cats, whatever that’s all about. Maths has its own weird parts of town, P and
NP who are kind of at war at the moment. There’s also Geometry Island which is basically
just lines. Several hours dive away is astronomy, but
I’d give it a miss. Bit of a black hole if you know what I mean. Engineering is quite nice, but they haven’t
really contributed much recently though to be honest, just.. bridges, dams, turbines. Oh and planes obvously. And rockets. And space stations, petroleum,,
motors, telecommunications, electronics,, and the industrial
revolution. Let’s be honest, bunch of lazy pricks. If you have a bit of extra time, just over
Humanities River is literature, take a walk round the Russian neighbourhoods, their police
department is excellent, everyone’s obsessed with Crime and Punishment. The American district is all right too, the
weather’s pretty brutal during the day but Tender is the Night, and the British section
isn’t bad but just don’t go in with any great expectations, eh? Just a few miles east is History. Now they’re good people, but they do seem
to hang onto the past a bit. Jesus just let it go guys, all right. Linguistics is currently off limits at the
moment with an outbreak of irritable vowel syndrome. But West Chomsky is very nice, lovely gnomes. A few miles away there’s the gender studies waterfall. They’re usually quite pushy about everyone
checking their sunscreen. And their privilege. Just over Sarkeesian canyon we find education I’d be very careful about visiting unless
you’re a fan of incompetant idiot midgets. I believe they’re commonly referred to as
children. Psychology is an up and coming city, I’d recommend
the Odeipus Rex district which is full of milfs, Skinner Island, but just be sure to
watch your behaviour, and the Milgram quarter, but I’d avoid that one unless you want quite a
shock. And then there’s there’s sociology where everyone
is so advanced that that they’ve stopped believing in stupid old fashioned
concepts like “proof” Anthropology which is full of stalkers, Theology, but Jesus Christ, those guys work
religiously, Economics. There’s supposedly treasure buried somewhere. I don’t know. I guess X Marx the spot Medicine, where the local pastime is being
sued for trying to help people Communication studies is a nice little break,
be sure to give it your full attention and have a proper gander. Law is lovely. You can take a left at smallprint avenue,
a right onto litigation street, straight up matrimonial highway and yeah, by the time
you reach the fountain you’ll find yourself bankcrupt and paying for your ex’s lawyer. Back over unemployable mountain, just past
film studies I’d advise finishing off your trip with a visit to the Performing Arts,
where the inhabitants are lovely, by my god do they make a song and dance of everything. Now the geology of Academia is quite interesting. There are undergraduates at the top, Then a sub layer of postgrads who have been
severely crushed by geological pressure. And life, And finally the PHDs and staff who exist in
a constant state of stress and have been turned into human magma. You’ll know you’ve reached this level when
you notice something wet and soggy draining out of your ear one day and realise it’s your
soul. So if all that sounds up your street, why
not visit academia yourself? I only came to avoid getting a real job and
I’ve been trapped here for 9 years. Did I say trapped? I meant, having a lovely time. It’s like prison but the
sex isn’t as regular.


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