Brewstew – Mexico

Alright, for those of you that don’t know,
I am officially a married man. That chick that got stuck on the roller coaster
with me.. well, that’s my wife now. So if you’re one of those weird old men,
that keep messaging me late at night, you need to stop.
I’m off the market now! “Ah, darn it!” So after we got married, my wife and I decided
to go to Mexico for our honeymoon. Now, I’ve never been to Mexico before,
so I didn’t know what to expect. And everybody that I talked to,
pretty much told me the same thing. “Just don’t drink the water down there, you hear me?” “You will shit your whole asshole off, if you do.” “And then they got to make you
a new asshole out of your belly button.” “And nobody wants
an asshole belly button, let me tell you!” But that didn’t concern me, because
we were staying at an all-inclusive resort in Cancun. Who needs water
when you’re drinking alcohol 24/7? Now, I don’t mean to brag or anything,
but I did take four years of Spanish in high school. That means I know 18 words in Spanish. Sure, ten of them are numbers. But I do know how to order a beer in Spanish. And I know how to say
‘The library is red’. Thank you so much, high school Spanish,
what a fuckin’ waste of time you were! So we’re at the resort, I’m at the bar,
speaking my shitty Spanish. “Una cerveza, por favor.” “Look at me, I’m speaking Spanish over here!” (Ahem) “La Biblioteca is roja.” “Yeah, well, I could give a fuck about
your red libraries! Take your beer and beat it!” So the first day in Mexico we pretty much
just laid out in the Sun and got drunk. And it took a whole 45 minutes
for the Mexican sun to destroy my pale body. So that was cool. I mean, I put sunscreen on.. but since I was half-drunk, I only put
it on part of my face and body. So for the rest of the trip
I had to walk around like an idiot with all these random burn marks everywhere. There’s people looking at me
like I got leprosy and shit. “Oh, sick! Honey, get the kids out of the pool!” But regardless, I still had a good time!
We were meeting people from all over the world. Everybody you talk to
wants to know where are you from. “Oh, you’re from the United States!
Are you from New York or California?” “Uh, we’re actually from one of the 48 other
States that nobody gives a fuck about…” Because this is what the United States
looks like to most people that aren’t from here. It’s no big deal, I accept that. But after a while,
if anybody asked, I would just be like: “Yeah, we’re from the US!” “We are from New York City “We are from New York City, California “We are from New York City, California, AmericaLand.” That’s us right there! But we did get drunk with
some old Canadian people though. And that was a pretty good time! I’m over there drunk as hell.
Just babbling on about anything Canadian I could think of. “So you guys like maple syrup?
That’s cool, I do too!” “What about Alanis Morissette?
She’s probably like George Washington to you, guys!” “Is her face on your dollar bill?” Now, we wanted to do more,
than just sit at the resort and get drunk. So we decided to venture out to Mexico a bit. We wanted to go to some local shops
and learn how to use pesos. “5,000 pesos! Is that a lot of money?
That sounds like a lot of money!” “Am I buying a key chain or
am I paying off my fuckin’ student loans?!” “What the hell is going on?” At one point I stumbled my ass into a cigar shop. Which is funny, because
I’ve never smoked the cigar in my life. I don’t know shit about them! But I wanna buy a Cuban cigar,
because I can’t buy that in AmericaLand. The lady at the counter
is asking me what kind of cigars I like. I’m over there pretending that
I know what the fuck I’m talking about. “Well, are you looking for something rich and bold?
Or something a little bit more mild?” “Aahh.. A mild one!” “Yeah, that’s it. Mild!” “I.. don’t like my cigars too spicy.” Of course being in Mexico, I also had
to buy a bottle of tequila somewhere. And we just so happened to find a bar,
that gave out free samples! “A shot of tequila, señor?” “Oh well, absolutely, guy
that doesn’t sound Mexican whatsoever!” (Gulp-gulp-gulp) “How about another one, señor?” “Well, keep ’em coming!”
(Gulp-gulp-gulp) Ten minutes later I’m fuckin’ destroyed at the bar. “Señor, I think you’ve had enough!” “I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough, buddy!” “You think you’re better than me
with your fancy tequila and your red libraries?!” (Gulp-gulp-gulp) [Thud]
[Glass shatters] But that’s not all we did in Mexico,
we did a lot of other things as well. We went snorkeling in the ocean
and seeing fish that looked like Pokemon. We went to the pyramids and seen
how good the Mayans were at playing Minecraft. But the coolest thing that we did in Mexico
was that we got to swim with a dolphin! And let me tell you! The look on my wife’s face,
when she touched the dolphin for the first time… Holy hell, it was pure bliss! “It’s like I’m living in a fucking
Lisa Frank Sticker Book!” I gotta say, it’s pretty damn hard not to smile when you got Snowflake the dolphin
kicking field balls in front of you! Now, sure it was a little weird, because I was
a grown man and we were the only adults in our group. We got all these kids
staring at my fucked up sunburn. – Eww, does that guy have leprosy? – Shut up, dude! I think
he’s with the Make-A-Wish Foundation! But the whole experience was fantastic! We got to pet the dolphin,
we got to ride with the dolphin. The dolphin got its large straight
and beat us in the game of Yahtzee. It was FANTASTIC! I’m over there trying to get the dolphin’s name,
so I can add him on Facebook. The lady’s just ignoring me,
because I look like fucking Freddy Krueger. So I’m just calling the dolphin
Biscuit the whole time. “Here, Biscuit, come here!
Heel, Biscuit, heel!” “I’m gonna backhand this guy
if he calls me biscuit one more time!” “I don’t give a fuck how much leprosy he has!” But sadly, that was our last day in Mexico. The next day we packed up our suitcases
full of tequila and spicy cigars. And we flew our asses
all the way back to New Your, California. So here’s to you, Biscuit, for making
our trip to Mexico so goddamn special! Special thanks to:
William Du, Gavin Baker, Patrick Bowlin. Special thanks to: (These wonderful people)
& All the other patrons!


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