COME WITH ME ON A GOODBYE TOUR TO MY LEG BEFORE AMPUTATION! [how i said bye to my foot] [CC]


– Good morning my beautiful friends, I realized I have not told you a very important story. If you follow me on Instagram,
you probably know part of it, but I’m gonna tell you
the story of my ankle in the days, weeks, I am not working so great with words today,
as that past sentence just proved, yet again. What I’m attempting to say is I would like to tell you the story of my foot and ankle in the days leading up to my amputation, because I thought, you know what, I’m gonna give it a proper goodbye tour. We went driving in the mountains, and then I went walking in the dirt and felt leaves on my feet, and then came back, and a couple weeks later it was snowing, and I walked outside in the snow, and even though all of
those things caused me pain, I knew that it was gonna be the last time I felt non-phantom sensation and pain on that part of my body, and it only seemed right
to try to experience things that I wouldn’t experience again, and I sat at my friends house in a window trying to calm some of my fears before surgery, and her cat jumped up and rubbed against me, and again, that did not feel great, but I got to feel his fur against my skin, and part of me feels like
it’s way too over dramatic or whatever the word would be to give your leg a goodbye tour, but whatever, that’s what I did, and then the day before surgery, I called my friends over. My good, good, good friends who most of whom have known me since all of this started, basically. Like back when I was 13, and they wrote goodbye
messages on my ankle. Again, that did not feel good. I had them not write on the part that was super, super painful to touch, but I felt like it was only right, and also it serves as a
great protective measure against the doctor chopping
off the wrong foot. I drew a dotted lien with a scissor on it because I have a dark
sense of humor like that. My friend Maggie wrote bye little piggies. Which is just fabulous, and my friend Abby wrote
a angry poem to it, which was awesome. I think Brian just wrote bye, and I wrote a breakup letter to it on the top of my foot saying listen, we’ve had
some good times together, and I appreciate everything
you’ve done for me. But this isn’t working out. And then my mom signed it right
before we went into surgery, I went into surgery, and it felt, honestly, really cool to be surrounded. I felt like so many people. Oh I’m gonna get emotional. Felt like so many people were
going into surgery with me. Oh dammit, I just put
makeup on for the day. Anyway, so I was able to
take a moment to say goodbye, and I know that a lot of
people don’t get that, and I was very grateful for it. I was also really grateful
that the permanent marker stayed on. Brian and I stayed in the
hotel right by the hospital the night before, and then we got coffee on
the way to the hospital. He got coffee. I wasn’t allowed to drink coffee. Which was such bummer, and then we showed up to
the hospital about five AM, ’cause my surgery was at seven, and got ready, and got it done. So the weird thing though
is that I have a friend who actually had surgery
by the same doctor, had amputation by the same doctor. I got connected up with he
because she’s an amputee. She’s so awesome, and so helpful, and answered so many questions for me, but she did the same thing. She did the same thing before surgery and I had no idea. Here I thought I was being
all original and stuff walking into surgery with cool pictures and messages drawn on my leg. Nope, my surgeon had seen it all before. She had done it three years prior. So that was the story of the last few days with my leg and kind of
how I said goodbye to it. So hey again, this is editing Jo as I am going through this footage. I uploaded all of the footage
from pre-surgery last night and I didn’t take a look at
it before I recorded the video that you just watched, and as I’m going through editing it and splicing it together, it is really weird to see it. I think the weirdest
thing is that I remember all of the sensations as I’m watching myself
walk through the concrete right outside as it was raining outside, and I remember what it
feels like to feel that cold as it mixed with how
my foot would feel pain because the nerves were so screwed up, and I remember what it
felt like when people wrote with markers on my foot, and again, because of
how many surgeries I had, the nerves in there were so messed up that everything felt different, and weird, and numb, and painful, and just guh, and I remember it all very vividly, and it’s weird, and weirdly uncomfortable. Not bad, just weirdly uncomfortable watching all of this back, ’cause it wasn’t that long ago that this was a part of me. That was part of my body. That was attached to me, and man, it’s just,
it’s really fascinating. I think I’m kind of realizing how important of a thing it was to do that silly goodbye tour, and how grateful I am to have had a chance to say goodbye, because it actually is
kind of an emotional thing to go back through this, and I didn’t really expect it to be. I thought as I was doing it, I was like, this is dumb, whatever. It just seems like a good thing to do and I guess I’ll film part of it, but I’m really glad I did. I’m really glad I have this and it’s weird, this is weird. It’s weird guys. It’s weird to look down and see two feet attached to me. Side note, I trimmed
my toenails last night, and it’s os weird to just
have to do five and not 10. This isn’t the first time in three months that I trimmed my toenails, just to clarify that. I have done it before, but it just registered, oh
this is so weird, I am done. It takes half the amount of time. Anyways, Sadie and I bid you
a lovely rest of your day, and I am sending my
love and light your way. Bye guys. So if you’ve watched many
of my previous videos, you know that I like living
in a sea of blankets, and you’ll notice I’m not the only one. This puppy right here
also is a big advocate for sea of blanket living. She is by far the laziest
big angry shepherd you’ve ever met, and
the sweetest thing ever, unless you’re anyone aside from me, she will try to eat you.

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