My Transition to Picnic Basket


Are you sure this is the right address Gus? Gus: I believe so… This guy really needs to cut his grass, what is this? Gus: It’s getting a little unruly… Did he tell you what he wanted the film crew for? Gus: No, he just said show up…uh…this time… Should be interesting… Gus: They usually are… *knock knock knock knock knock* Andrew Harvey? Andrew: Oh yes, this must be the camera crew I ordered. Thanks for comin’! No problem! My name… …is Andrew Harvey… …and… …I’m making a big…move… …I’m uh… …I’m going to be making a transition… …I’ve thought…long and hard about this, but… …I’m just not happy as who I am so… …I’ve decided that I have to make the transition from… …cisgender white male… …to picnic basket! *inspirational music kicks in* Gus: You wanna become…a picnic basket…? Andrew: Yes! That’s right… …I’m going to make the transition… …to picnic BASKET. Gus: I see…how do you plan on doing this? Andrew: Well, I have the…the best doctor in the world for this…Dr. Monahan! He’s…world class, I can’t wait for you to meet him! Gus: He’s coming here? Andrew: Oh yeah, he’ll be here…it’ll be a few days yet… He’s got to fly back into the country, but when he gets here… He’s going to accelerate…my transition! A very important package is supposed to come in today for my transition, I can’t wait! *knocks to Shave and a Haircut* It is! IT IS HERE! …yes please… AWW, thank you so much! Mailman: No problem. Finally it’s here! I can’t wait to show you this. This… …is the beginning of my transition! *Andrew laughs* Look at this bad boy…this is…the patch! To transition…from cisgender white male…to picnic basket! Gus: Umm… That looks like a bunch of twigs attached to a piece of duct tape… Andrew: NO no, it’s…uh…it’s a patch to…for my transition… Dr. Monahan wouldn’t lie about this… So… …I’m gonna have to go put this bad boy on and see how it goes! Gus: So Andrew, you’ve had you patch on…uh…overnight… …do you feel anymore like a picnic basket? Andrew:…You know… …I really am starting to feel more like a picnic basket… …and… …I don’t know… …how…else to put this…but… …ever since putting this patch on I just have this urge… …to put… …containers of food into me… Gus: That’s obviously not gonna fit…. Andrew: YET! *inspirational music kicks in* Gus: What are you doing there, Andrew? Andrew: Well Dr. Monahan said that… …to accelerate my transition… I can make myself a special…shake… …that requires 2 parts water… …1 part wicker! Gus: Isn’t that sort of like cannibalism? Andrew: NO, it’s not cannibalism! I’m clearly not a picnic basket yet! God! You ignorant people. You’d think this is the first time you’ve ever met someone that’s transitioning into a picnic basket! *blender sound* *inspirational music kicks in* …earthy…but…not bad! Gus: So Andrew we’ve been filming you here for about three weeks now… …how do you feel about the whole process? Andrew: Hold on, hold on…hold on… Hello? Oh Dr. Monahan! Oh you’re here already? Well I gotta…I gotta… …I gotta go to get you right now! Gus: Dr. Monahan… Dr. Monahan: Yes. Gus: Welcome, thanks for participating in this film. Dr. Monahan: Thank you for having me. Gus: Not to second guess you but you look no older than 23. How many years could you have possibly been doing this? Dr. Monahan: Well… I’ve…I’ve been at it several…a few few decades at least… Gus: How old are you? Dr. Monahan: When you’re in the jungle for as long as I have been…you kind of stop using time. Gus: Now…most doctors I know wear…lab coats…suits… …you’re wearing a tiger T-shirt… Dr. Monahan: Well actually it’s a lion, but like I have…I’ve mentioned… …I have spent some…time in jungles… …that’s where I do a lot of my doctoring… Gus: What jungles? Dr. Monahan: It’s hard to say which ones I mean… …we have names for them, but the aboriginal people of those jungles, they don’t need names for such jungles… …they just know it as “The Jungle”. Gus:…okay… Gus: Where are you from originally, Dr. Monahan? Dr. Monahan: Names…for places…they’re just…unnecessa– Gus: Do you have a first name!? What is your story!? Dr. Monahan:…I Am Moe. Gus: Moe Monahan!? Dr. Monahan: *snickers* Yeah well… Gus: Your name is Moe, Dr. MOE MONAHAN? Andrew: What you think he chose this name? His parents clearly gave him his name! Why are you…why you judging him? Dr. Monahan: I just play with the hand I’m dealt. Andrew: What’s with you judgy people? Gus: I’m jus- Andrew: I deal with…I have to deal with the judgment all the time…even my doctor has to deal with this judgment! Dr. Monahan: It’s society…that’s…it’s…it’s ingrained in society… …it’s just what we do… Gus: What are you doing doctor? Dr. Monahan: Checking for vital signs. Andrew: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? WHAT THE HELL IS A COOLER DOING IN MY HOUSE!? Gus: I uh… well I didn’t want to use up all of your fridge space… Andrew: THE HELL WITH MY FRIDGE SPACE! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THESE COOLERS DO!? I HATE COOLERS! Gus: They keep your food cool… Andrew: They just…sittin’ there…OH…JUST ALL ICEMAN, OH LOOK AT ME I’M SO COOL, JUST CHILLIN’! I HATE THESE GUYS, AND I WILL NOT HAVE THEM IN MY HOUSE! AND IF I EVER SEE ONE OF THESE IN MY HOUSE AGAIN, THERE’S GONNA BE A SERIOUS PROBLEM… …AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT! …AND THAT’S ANOTHER THING… YOU…GO OUT…WITH…YOUR BEST FRIEND…AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE! Gus: *laughs* Jesus… Dr. Monahan: Very good…Picnic Basket Pose 1. Gus: What’re you guys doing? Dr. Monahan: Picnic Basket Yoga. It’s very important to have the whole body be ready…and…accepting of the transition. Gus: How’s Yoga make him more of a picnic basket? Dr. Monahan: Well…just look…he’s already…he’s more of a picnic basket already! Andrew: I’m gonna have to hold this pose for the rest of my life. Might as well get…used to it now. Dr. Monahan: Now we’ll do picnic basket… …opening 1… …just gonna… Andrew: Ok… Dr. Monahan:…and then we’re gonna lower slowly…very good… Dr. Monahan: Definitely getting some really good signs. Getting good indictors that the change is definitely taking effect… Gus: What are you listening for on his shoulder? Dr. Monahan: We are looking for developing wicker spores. Gus: You’re listening for w– Dr. Monahan: YEP. They, they make a very distinct… …very, very distinct uh…sound… its…have you ever touched wicker? …have you ever…it it…sounds like that… *scratching noises* yeah, very distinct…very, very distinct Gus: I See… Dr. Monahan: We’re getting a lot of positive readings… Andrew: That’s great news! Dr. Monahan: I’m thinking 6 months and you will have your dream come true. Andrew: 6 months!? That’s way faster than you initially projected! Dr. Monahan: I…we’re making a lot of progress. Gus: So today’s the big day…they’re getting ready here… …to go have Andrew’s operation. Dr. Monahan: We have all the tools we need. We have our trusty knife… Gus: Is that…from the kitchen!? Dr. Monahan: Well I…it is from “a” kitchen. Gus: Huh? What? Okay… Dr. Monahan: We got our trusty duct tape… Gus: How do you feel Andrew? Andrew: *Sigh* Um…I guess…I’m nervous not gonna lie but…I’ve gone too far to turn back now! Gus: What hospital would even sanction such a procedure? Dr. Monahan: *snickers* Hospitals…that’s a good one! That’s…I’m not allowed back in there. But uh…but yes…onward to the uh… …surgery…uh… …basement… Gus: You’re doing it in the basement!? Dr. Monahan: Yeah, where else would you do that? Gus: I dunno… Dr. Monahan: This may hurt a bit though… Gus: I can’t believe I’m sitting here…interviewing a picnic basket…. …I should have never agreed to this… HI PICNIC BASKET! Picnic Basket: Hi! Gus:…Andrew!? Andrew: Of course it’s me! You’ve been filming my transition the whole time! I finally made it! Gus: So surgery was a success? Andrew: Oh, it was a raving success! Gus: Well…how do you feel after this…long journey? Andrew: Oh, I’ve never been happier. I feel great! Do you want a snack!? *Sappy music plays over montage* Andrew: Thanks for watching! Like and subscribe to make me the happiest picnic basket alive!

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