Smooshed: Holiday Edition with Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman


( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WE’RE BACK WITH MEGAN MULLALLY. MEGAN, YOU AND BRYAN CRANSTON,
IN “WHY HIM?,” THE NEW FILM, AND YOU PLAY THE PARENTS OF THE
DAUGHTER WHO ENDS UP DATING AND GETS ENGAGED TO–
>>JAMES FRANCO.>>Stephen: WHO IS A WHAT IN
NTHIS? A BILLIONAIRE.>>HE’S LIKE A GAMING BILLION
AIR, A SILICON VALLEY GAMEY BILLIONAIRE, AND HIS FIRST
COSTUME, THE FIRST DAY OF SHOOTING, WAS JUST A PAIR OF
PANTS WITH A LITTLE “B” CRACK AND (BLEEP).>>Stephen: I’M SURE WE’RE
ALLOWED TO SAY (BLEEP) ON CBS. THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING UP, AS
WE WERE TALKING BEFORE. DO YOU COOK?>>NO. I LIKE EAT! YEAH.>>Stephen: ME, TOO.>>I REALLY TO. IT KEEPS ME ALIVE.>>Stephen: I’M REALLY– I’M
KIND OF OBSESSED WITH THIS ONE SHOW ON FOOD NETWORK CALLED
“CHOPPED.”>>EVERYBODY LOVES IT. HEARD ABOUT IT, NEVER SEEN IT.>>Stephen: IT’S A COUPLE OF
INGREDIENTS AND THOSE FEW INGREDIENTS, USUALLY WEIRD, AND
THEY HAVE TO MAKE A MEAL OUT OF JUST THOSE INGREDIENTS. WE EVERY SO OFTEN ON THIS SHOW
DO A SHORTER VERSION– WE CAN’T DO THE WHOLE SHOW.>>YES.>>Stephen: IT’S CALLED
SMOOSHED.>>I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.>>Stephen: WOULD YOU BE
INTERESTED IN COMPETING ON TONIGHT’S EPISODE OF “SMOOSHED?”
>>I GUESS I WOULD.>>Stephen: JIM? S WELCOME TO “SMOOSHED: HOLIDAY
EDITION”. OF COURSE, MEGAN, YOU CAN’T
COMPETE AGAINST YOURSELF. YOU HAVE TO COMPETE AGAINST A
TRUE CHAMPION. SO PLEASE WELCOME A FIERCE
COMPETITOR, YOUR HUSBAND, NICK OFFERMAN.>>WHAT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: NICK, THANK YOU SO MUCH. PLEASE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.>>THEY CAN OUT. SHAKE IT OUT.>>Stephen: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, HERE WE GO. HERE ARE THE RULES: YOU WILL BE
GIVEN YOUR OWN BASKET OF MYSTERY INGREDIENTS, AND YOU MUST USE
EVERY INGREDIENT IN THE BASKET IN THE BASKET IN SOME WAY. ALSO AVAILABLE TO YOU IS OUR
PANTRY. IT’S STOCKED WITH EVERY
INGREDIENT I COULD GRAB FROM THE SUPERMARKET HOLIDAY AISLE BEFORE
THEY THREW ME OUT. AND ALSO… THERE’S A BOTTLE OF BOURBON. THE WINNER OF SMOOSHED WILL
RECEIVE A DONATION TO THE CHARITY OF HIS OR HER CHOICE
COURTESY OF– AND WHERE’S MY ICE CREAM–
OF STEPHEN COLBERT’S AMERICONE DREAM FUND. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. AMERICONE DREAM: I GIVE ALL THE
MONEY TO CHARITY, SO BUY IT, OR YOU HATE THE CHILDREN. ( LAUGHTER )
MEGAN, YOU ARE COMPETING FOR THE SOUTHERN POVERTY LAW CENTER. YES.>>AND, NICK, YOU ARE COMPETING
FOR THE AMERICANS CIVIL LIBERTIES UNION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: TONIGHT, REMEMBER, WHOEVER IS VICTORIOUS
CIVIL RIGHTS WILL WIN TONIGHT. BUT CIVIL RIGHTS WILL ALSO LOSE. SO, SMOOSHERS, LET’S TAKE A LOOK
AT YOUR MYSTERY INGREDIENTS. THE INGREDIENTS ARE HONEY BAKED
HAM– AT LEAST I HOPE IT’S HONEY BAKED, BECAUSE OTHERWISE
IT SHOULDN’T BE THAT STICKY. NEXT, A FRUITCAKE. VERY FEW PEOPLE LIKE FRUITCAKE,
BUT REMEMBER: YOU’RE ALSO ALLOWED TO USE WHATEVER
INGREDIENTS YOU CAN DIG OUT OF THE CAKE. FINALLY, CHOCOLATE GELT. THERE SHOULD BE MORE OF THOSE,
BUT THE DREIDELS WERE LOADED. YOU’RE A CHEATER JONAH! I WILL BE YOUR SOLE JUDGE
TONIGHT. YOU WILL BE GRADED ON
PRESENTATION, TRANSFORMATION OF THE INGREDIENTS, AND WHETHER I
AM WILLING TO PUT YOUR DISH IN MY MOUTH. IF YOUR DISH DOESN’T MAKE THE
CUT, YOU WILL BE SMOOSHED. ARE YOU READY COMPETITORS.>>YES.>>Stephen: ARE YOU READY?>>READY.>>Stephen: JIM, PUT 60
SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, AND BEGIN. MEGAN, WHAT’S YOUR PLAN? WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>I’M WORKING ON A PIECE OF HAM —
>>DO YOU HAVE A PLAN IN MIND, MEGAN?>>NOT REALLY.>>Stephen: NO PLAN AT ALL.>>IT’S GOING TO BE DELICIOUS,
THOUGH.>>Stephen: NICK, WHAT IS YOUR
PLAN TODAY?>>I’M GOING TO USE THE BOURBON
TO FUEL MY CREATIVITY.>>Stephen: 40 SECONDS. THAT IS OFFICIALLY– THAT IS
REINDEER JERKY, BY THE WAY. THAT IS REINDEER JERKY. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: ALL RIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: ANY CULTURAL INFLUENCES, NICK? ANY CULTURAL INFLUENCES FROM
YOUR HOME COUNTRY?>>THIS IS MY FAMILY CHRISTMAS
DISH. IT’S CALLED THE DEVIL’S MESS.>>Stephen: ALL RIGHT, MEGAN,
HOW’S IT GOING OVER HERE, MEGAN? ARE YOU FEELING THE PRESSURE? YOU HAVE 12 SECONDS LEFT ON THE
CLOCK.>>I’LL FEELING THE BURN. I’M FEELING, THE WINNING SPIRIT.>>Stephen: IT IS FIVE, FOUR,
THREE, TWO, ONE. ( BUZZER ).>>Stephen: FREEZE! PLEASE FINISH, PLEASE FINISH.>>WHAT DID YOU DO? BOURBON AND —
>>WE HAVE COME TO THE END OF OUR COMPETITION.>>YOU HAVE BOURBON AND —
>>IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BE JUDGED. MEGAN PLEASE PRESENT YOUR DISH. CAN WE GET A SHOT OF THE DISH? IT’S BEAUTIFUL.>>THANK YOU.>>Stephen: WHAT IS IT WE’RE
LOOKING AT TODAY?>>THIS IS SOMETHING THAT WILL
FIT IN YOUR MOUTH. THIS IS SOMETHING– THIS IS
SOMETHING EDIBLE, THAT YOU CAN EAT.>>Stephen: WHAT IS IT CALLED?>>IT IS CALLED… THE THING YOU
WILL EAT. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: I’M SURE IT SOUNDS
BETTER IN FRENCH. AND DID WE– DID WE REMEMBER TO
PUT A FORK OUT HERE? AND WE DID NOT I WILL EAT IT
WITH A KNIFE.>>I HAVE A FORK.>>Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, NICK. EXTRA POINT RIGHT THERE.>>NO!>>Stephen: WHAT I IN HERE?>>WE HAVE SOME HAM. WE HAVE SOME OF THE CRANBERRY
CAKE. WE HAVE SOME CRUMBLED GINGER
KEEKS. WE HAVE EGGNOG PUREE. AND POPCORN. POPCORN IS CORN. SO THAT’S WHAT WE HAVE.>>Stephen: MMM. MMMM. THAT IS SURPRISINGLY… SALTY. ( LAUGHTER )
FOR SOMETHING WITH THAT MUCH EGGNOG. ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THAT PUTS YOU ON THE NAUGHTY
LIST. ( LAUGHTER )
NICK, WHAT HAVE WE GOT? IT’S A VERY CLOSE COMPETITION. WHAT ARE YOU PRESENTING? WHAT DO WE CALL THIS?>>I PRESENT THE MI, IINUKA DEVI
MESS. I START WITH A SHOT OF BOURBON. YOU CAN USE A UTENSIL.( APPLAUSE ).>>IS THAT A PALETTE CLEANSE?>>YOU WANT TO GET ONE OF THE
DEVIL HORNS? HORNS.>>Stephen: OH, THE VENISON IS
THE DEVIL HORN. FRUITCAKE, A LITTLE VENISON. MMM. MMM! YOU GO TO HELL. ( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU SO MUCH. ( APPLAUSE )
THAT IS TRULY AWFUL. THANK YOU, NICK. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT IS A TRULY AWFUL COMBINATION. WELL, CHEFS, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COMPETING.>>THANK YOU.>>Stephen: I AM– I AM–
MEGAN, NICK, MY JUDGMENT IS FINAL.>>OKAY.>>Stephen: MEGAN, I’M SORRY,
YOU HAVE BEEN SMOOIVED.>>OH! CRUEL!>>Stephen: IT WAS– IT WAS
TOO WET. ( LAUGHTER )
>>THAT’S WHAT THEY ALL SAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!>>Stephen: CHECK OUT MEGAN IN
“WHY HIM?” OPENING DECEMBER 23 AND ALSO ON STAGE WITH NICK
OFFERMAN IN “SUMMER OF 69: NO APOSTROPHE” JANUARY 14 IN
IRVINE, CALIFORNIA. MEGAN MULLALLY AND NICK OFFERMAN
EVERYONE!

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