Weekend Update: Girl at a Party on the 2016 Election


>>WITH THE ELECTION ONLY TWO
WEEKS AWAY, BOTH CANDIDATES ARE TRYING TO GET A FINAL MESSAGE TO
THEIR SUPPORTERS. HERE WITH HER FINAL THOUGHTS ON
THE ELECTION IS THE GIRL YOU HOPE TO START A CONVERSATION
WITH AT A PARTY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>HELLO MICHAEL CHE. THANKS FOR FINALLY LETTING A
WOMAN ON LATE-NIGHT TV. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>SO I ASSUME YOU’RE NOT HAPPY WITH THE ELECTION?
>>HERE’S A THOUGHT, MICHAEL. MAYBE TRY BEING WOKE FOR A
CHANGE, OKAY? CAUSE “KEVIN CAN WAIT” BUT
SYRIAN REFEREES CAN’T. OKAY?
A NEWS FLASH, MICHAEL. 40% OF CHILDREN ARE JUST THEIR
LEGS. THAT’S ACCORDING TO DOCTORS,
MICHAEL CHE.>>YEAH, OKAY, CAN YOU PLEASE
TELL US ABOUT THE CANDIDATES?>>PLEASE DO NOT MAN-TERRUPT ME
WHEN I’M WO-MAKING A POINT, MICHAEL.
THIS ‘LECTION IS A MISGRACE, OKAY?
IT’S A COLOSTOMY, MICHAEL. [ LAUGHTER ]
I’M SORRY, BUT IF I CAN PLAY DOUBLES ABACUS FOR A SECOND.
I THINK WE ALL KNOW THE REASON JILLIAN ASSANGE IS IN JAIL IS
BECAUSE SHE’S A WOMAN. [ LAUGHTER ]
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT WOMEN HAVE TO DO WHEN WE VOTE?
WE HAVE TO SHOW OUR IUD. I’M SORRY.
THAT’S OUT-RIGHTEOUS, MICHAEL. THAT’S CALLED A BUBBLE STANDARD
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT?
>>WHAT?>>BAAH, BAAH, BAAH.
>>WHAT ARE YOU DOING?>>THAT’S THE IMPRESSION OF YOU.
BECAUSE YOU’RE A SHEEP-HOLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>JESUS.>>QUICK.
WHO ARE YOU GOING FOR AS HALLOWEEN?
>>I DON’T REALLY DRESS UP FOR HALLOWEEN.
>>I’M GOING AS JUSTICE. DAVID JUSTICE.
>>THE BASEBALL PLAYER?>>WOW, SO ALL BLACK GUYS ARE
JUST ATHLETES TO YOU.>>HE PLAYS BASEBALL.
>>NO, MICHAEL, YOU JUST PLAYED YOURSELF.
>>OH MY GOD.>>SIS!
>>IS YOUR SISTER HERE?>>NO, I’M CALLING OUT CISGENDER
PEOPLE OUT THERE. I’M SERIOUS, MICHAEL.
I NEED TO GO TO CUBA SO BAD BEFORE WHITE PEOPLE RUIN IT.
>>YOU HAVEN’T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THE ELECTION.
CAN YOU AT LEAST TELL ME WHO YOU’RE VOTING FOR?
>>HOW DARE YOU. THAT’S CALLED VOTER INSEMINATION
WHAT YOU’RE DOING, I’M SORRY. MY FRIEND’S FLOGS WERE RIGHT
ABOUT YOU.>>ALL RIGHT.
>>YOU KNOW, FINE, MAYBE TELL A JOKE INSTEAD SINCE THAT’S WHAT
THIS WHOLE ELECTION IS ANYWAY.>>FINE, TELL US A JOKE.
>>KNOCK KNOCK.>>WHO’S THERE?
>>INTERRUPTING POLAR BEAR.>>INTERRUPTING POLAR BEAR —
>>TOO LATE. GLOBAL WARNING ALREADY KILLED
HIM. AND NOW HE STINKED.
>>STINKED?>>YEAH.
THAT’S RIGHT. HE STINKED.
[ LAUGHTER ] WHY DON’T YOU CALL ME SAMSUNG
GALASSY, BECAUSE I JUST BLEW YOUR MIND UP.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]>>GIRL AT A PARTY, EVERYONE!
>>FREE EL CHEAPO! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>MICHAEL CH

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